SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS...!

Well it's official, we are in full IVF swing!  Everything started feeling VERY real when Bryan and I went to our last appointment in STL.

Before I get into the appointment, let's back up.  Months ago, we bought tickets for the Bears game in St. Louis.  We both put in for personal days on the Monday after so we could stay the night on Sunday and make a little getaway out of it.  So when I found out we had three different appointments that needed to be done that same week, I decided to book them all on our day off, the day after the game.  I know it stinks to take a personal day to do not so fun stuff, but that's just the way it needed to be done. Of course most of us try to save those personal days for more exciting things like shopping or something equally important.  lol

Here we are at the game.  The Bears won, and we had such a great time!

We woke up Monday to the most disgusting rain storms and drove to Chesterfield for the first appointment.  I was very anxious for the day, hadn't slept well thinking about it, and hoped our whole day wouldn't be this gloomy. I had to meet Dr. Pineda for the first time.  He is the obgyn that is assisting with the IVF.  Dr. Pineda had to examine me and he also wanted to talk with Bryan and I.  Dr. Pineda gave lots of details about how exactly the procedure works, and our odds of having a successful procedure with a "take home baby."  I think we both left that appointment feeling quite optimistic.  I really liked Dr. Pineda, and thought he sounded like we have a good chance of having great luck with this IVF round. 

From there we both had to get our blood taken.  This was quick and painless routine blood work to check for infectious diseases, etc. Then we had a a good chunk of time to kill before we had to have our injections course, so we went out to eat and did a little shopping.  There was pretty much only a Goodwill close, so that's where we shopped.  I was super pumped to snag some snazzy Christmas sweaters there! 

Next up was the injections course.  This is what I had been dreading for days.  I had lost sleep over it, in fact.  I hate that I can't remember the nurse's name who helped us, because I really loved her and she was so patient and kind to us.  Anyway, we discussed the types of medications I would be taking, and where each will need to be done.  Three of the injections are SQ, so I'm getting those in the belly. One is IM so it will be done in the butt.  She showed us how to measure out and administer the shots.  Bryan and I both had several practices with a little dummy like piece of something.  It was a piece of cake! (giving the shot, not the dummy utensil).   Then the nurse said, "Now it's your turn to give one to yourself." Immediately I had serious tears.  I think all of my anxiety about IVF, our appointments, shots, everything was let out in that very moment.  I'm sure it really took the nurse by surprise, poor lady!  I know I even surprised myself.  Bryan, however, is used to my overemotional self, and so he probably wasn't as shocked.  Later he said, "You started crying like they were taking you to a torture chamber or something." LOL    I don't think I was so afraid of the shot, but the fact that I had to give it to myself.  The tears were about the whole IVF process, not just about this one silly saline injection.  I was a little nervous about how hard/easy/fast/slow to put in the syringe.  I was in shock, once again, that we were actually at this point of using medications and complicated procedures to have a baby.  I knew that once these shots started that there was no turning back.  And so there I sat sobbing.  Looking back, it is really quite funny.  I know Bryan wanted to say, "What in the world are you crying for?!" But he didn't.  He sat there in the most supportive way, patiently waiting for my unexpected meltdown to end.    So I finally dried up the tears and gave myself the injection, and it was so easy and painless! Then Bryan had to give me one too, and he was quite a pro! 

That day I fell in love with Bryan even more.  I say all the time that he is such a realistic person, that occasionally it almost feels negative to me.  I'm an overly optimistic person, and so it's really great that we even each other out like that.  Sometimes though, it's frustrating to me when he doesn't get pumped up or worked up in a way that I do, or when he thinks I'm over exaggerating.  But this day was different.  He was excited too, and was so very patient with my tears and just me being emotional in general.  Bryan knew how anxious I was about the day, and was extremely supportive and (surprisingly) optimistic! It was such a wonderful end to our weekend!

The next day or two I was just so happy and excited to get started!  I was counting down the days until I could give myself a shot! I even let myself start thinking and talking about baby stuff.  I haven't allowed myself to dream of actual baby things in a long time, and so it has been fun to think about a nursery or baby names! This is when things started feeling so real and exciting!  

So then last week I received my box of meds.  I sorted through all it, and had it all ready to start injections on November 21st.  Here's my box of goodies!

November 21st came very quickly!  I set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. to do my first injection.  I have to do it at the same time everyday, so I chose early in the morning because I know Bryan will most always be home at that time, unless he has to go in to work early.  I really wanted him there to talk me through the first ones, and double check that I was doing it right. So I survived the first injection! It took some deep breaths, but I did it!  I really thought I was going to have to have a nurse or Bryan do it for me, but I did it all by myself!  Here I am at my first 5:30 a.m. injections selfie! And here's my first shot! :) Ignore the rough hair and lack of makeup, people! It wasn't even light out yet!

So I've been doing injections for 9 days now, and going strong!  For now, it's just once a day, but this weekend we start 3 injections each day.  We will see if my tummy can hold out!  

So far I just have one little bruise!  

I'll be honest, the side effects off all this medicine haven't been horrible, but I definitely have some changes.  I was on birth control pills for three weeks.  Those made me extremely nauseous, and so I am very thankful for being off of them!  

Although none of these side effects are constant or extreme, here's what I have going on :  

1. moody - (this is the biggie)  grouchy,cry, repeat.   

2. tired - like I want to go to bed at 7:00 tired and want to take a nap too

3. hot - I'm usually very cold but I have been very hot for the last week! One day I counted down until the kids went to library so I could strip down to my tank top and open the windows! haha

4. bloated/crampy - self explanatory and quite annoying! 

I think I'm starting to get used to the medicine now and have feeling more like my normal self everyday.  (besides the bloating).   And now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder if it's Thanksgiving bloat or medicine bloat.  I'll blame it on both for now! :)  

Thanks so much for all your love and support! I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I know I did! :)

IVF Q&A: Brubaker Style!

So here are some questions that I've been asked or that I've asked others. Let me know if you want to know something else!   I don't claim to be an expert of all things fertility, however I AM the expert in all things related to OUR (Bryan and my) fertility journey!  I have read an unbelievable about of articles, personal websites, and doctor pages too so I don know quite a bit about baby making! lol

Q: What is In Vitro Fertilization (IVF)?
A: IVF is a process.  Eggs are removed from the ovaries.  They are then mixed with sperm in a little dish.  The fertilization (sperm meets egg) happens in vitro.  In vitro literally means "in glass."  From there, the embryos (sperm inside an egg) are placed into the uterus to hopefully implant.

Q: How long does IVF take?
A: For us, if all goes as planned, it should be about a six week process.   But for others it may be longer.

Q: Do you have to take medications?
A: Yes!  I have to be on birth control for awhile to regulate hormones and to help know exactly which dates I start taking other medications.  There are also drugs (shots) that I'll be getting.  Some people have more/less.   I will be getting Lupron, Follistim, Novarel, and progesterone injections.  We are taking a course on how to give the injections ourselves, however I have recruited some nursing friends that are going to help me out.

Q: How much does IVF cost?
A: Each doctor/office is different, and it depends on how much (if any) your insurance covers.  For us, our insurance covers ZERO costs relating to fertility!  So yes, that means we have paid out of pocket and/pr taken out loans for all of this!    Our doctor and hospital fees will be around $13,000.  Then we have to pay for medications.  Our doctor said these could range anywhere between $2,000-$6,000.   Luckily, I am not needing as many high doses of medications, so we are going to be a little less than $2,000.    This brings our grand total to right at $15,000!   Some may say, "Well that's less than a car payment!" and "It's worth it!"  We agree that the money is SO worth it! However, this procedure is no guarantee! We could pay all this and not have a baby at all!  And if it is successful, then we pay and then we have an ACTUAL BABY to pay for on top of what we already pay monthly for IVF. Honestly, the cost was the main deciding  factor for us.

Q: What are the odds that it will work?
A: There are TONS of factors that determine if IVF will work or not.  Some of the main determining factors for us are: woman's age, number of eggs left, the man's sperm quality.  We were told we have  a 57% chance of this working.  This number is particularly low, I think, but we are hopeful that we will beat these odds!

Q: So are you trying to be like Octomom or something like that?
A: Um, no!  Our doctor takes a very conservative approach to IVF.  His practice is geared towards having healthy, "singleton" pregnancies.   Although there are chances of multiples, he places a conservative amount of embryos back in to help lessen the odds of multiples. 

*On a funny note, I keep telling Bryan that we are going to have triplets.  He doesn't find this as funny as I do! LOL  I regularly say things like, "Now when we're car shopping, we have to look for things we can get three carseats in." (Oh, my goodness I'm hilarious!) So I'm accepting applications for daycare/nanny services for when the triplets are here!HAHA

Q: Whose fault is it?
A: There is NO blame in this!  We do know the cause of why we haven't had success.  Bryan had a reversal that has shown to have been unsuccessful.  There has never, not even once, been a discussion about it being someone's fault.  That's just hurtful. 

Q: (This isn't really a question, but a statement that I'd like to address).  Bryan CHOSE to have a vasectomy years ago. So now even though the reversal didn't work, it's still a chosen thing.  So it's really not infertility.  
(This translates to me: You CHOSE to be able to not have a baby.  So you shouldn't be  surprised/sad that you aren't having a baby.)
A: I've gotten this one a lot, and it's one of the most painful things I've heard.  Yes, it was chosen years ago, long before me.  But we made the decision together to get it reversed.  Sadly, the procedure hasn't worked.  The whole point is, we should be able to have a baby and we can't.  The surgery that we were told had a 98% chance of working didn't.  So that's why we are here. The cause of the infertility is different than many others, but the effect is the same.  We see a fertility doctor, receive fertility treatments, and it is just as painful emotionally as any other person struggling to have a baby.  So yes, it's infertility. 

Q: Why don't you just adopt?
A: Adoption is right for a lot of people! And maybe one day we may consider adoption if this doesn't work.  But for now, we would really like to have a baby that is biologically ours.  I want to have the whole experience of carrying a baby, of the delivery (insane, I know!), and being able to see ourselves in our own child.  

If you have any questions, I'm an open book! Just shoot! :)

Thanks so much for reading, and for your love and support!

To Blog or Not to Blog

I've always loved following bloggers of various topics: teachers, cooking, entertainment, shopping, you name it really!  I have always really enjoyed writing, and find it quite therapeutic.  As a child, I always had journals and diaries that I loved to write in.  I've thought a lot in the past (and currently) about blogging to keep a journal of sorts, and have somewhat of a hobby to do besides just t.v. and running my family every which way.  So when we made a big decision about adding to our family, I really wanted to document my feelings to share with my family and friends.  That brings us to where we are today... My FIRST blog entry!

Let me first say, that my goal is to write on a variety of topics - teaching, family, cooking, you name it really! But today's entry will be all about the day I decided to blog.  This is a long one, so BEWARE! ;)  But I promise they won't all be long like this!

It was my birthday, September 23rd.  Bryan randomly came home and told me he wanted to sell his truck.. and that he was ready to go through with in vitro fertilization.  IVF is something that we've known for awhile would be in our future. We just didn't know when.   I started the very next day making calls to see where to start.

On September 28th I had my first appointment.  I drove to St. Luke's hospital all the way in Chesterfield, MO.  (A good two hour drive).  There I had my first (internal) ultrasound.  SO fun! LOL   This is the day I knew I wanted to start documenting our journey in writing/blogging.

(here's my first wristband from the hospital)

We waited and waited for my results to come back.  On October 6th I heard from Mindy, my new IVF coordinator.  Mindy is "my girl" as I refer to her to all my friends and family.  She is my go-to person with questions, and she sets up everything up for me as far as IVF goes. I was on my lunch break when I read the email.  I sat at my desk and had a complete crying meltdown while I read my results.  The ultrasound test had GREAT results, and we got the go ahead to continue with in vitro.  I cried happy tears about the good news. I cried because I finally got the email that I had been waiting a week for.  I cried because I couldn't believe that we were actually going through with IVF, and not conceiving naturally.  I cried because of the cost of IVF.  And I think I cried for the whole evening,  just being overwhelmed with all of the information and feelings that flooded me. 

In the days and weeks leading up to November, there were various papers to be filled out, questions to be asked, and of course more waiting. If you have ever actually had to TRY to conceive, like trying and it doesn't work... for months and months, or years, then you know what I mean when I say that there's always WAITING! Waiting is the worst! So waiting for our next step was horrid.

Fast forward to today. November 4th, 2015.  Today was just another little hurdle in our journey.  Today I started on birth control.  It's funny because in my younger years, when hoping to NOT get pregnant, I was on birth control.  Now, at 32 years old and after "trying" for 20 months, I'm on birth control again. But this time it's to regulate everything, to help the doctor with the timing. It seems crazy to be excited about taking this little pill, but I am! I honestly was so excited to wake up this morning so I could swallow this silly pill!

And now we wait... again...  We wait for two more weeks, when we have to go to the hospital for more testing, and some a little course on how to administer the shots! I can't believe how anxious and excited I am to start getting shots! 

That's it for today! If you made it to the end of the entry, then good for you! Thanks for reading, and come back for updates on our IVF journey, and much more!