To start off, yes, this is a play off 50 Shades of Grey. No, this is not a blog entry explaining details about my sex life. Sorry and/or you're welcome!
I've been absent for a couple of months. I've taken time to process everything that has happened and given myself a break from thinking about anything "trying to conceive" for a little bit.
Truth be told, this was initially supposed to be my first entry. It has sat as a draft for many months. I never posted it because it seemed maybe too real, too angry, too depressing, just too much in general. But I started doing this blog as a way for me to vent, to help others, and to give people who don't know about infertility a glimpse of what it's like. I've decided that I started this with complete openness and vulnerability, and if I didn't share this post, then I wouldn't be completely honest like I planned in the beginning. So here it goes!
Battling this whole "trying to conceive" business is ugly. It makes me an ugly person sometimes. Here are the (ugly) fifty shades of ME.
SADNESS - an obvious one, of course. Sad that we spent so much money on a surgery that didn't work. Sad that I may never know what it feels like to have a life growing inside me. Sad that we may not get to look at a baby, and see ourselves in it. Sad to have gotten myself so excited for nothing. Sad about everything.
The worst time for me lately is at Wal-Mart for whatever silly reason. The whole back part of that place makes me get a knot in my throat! I think the timing with the failed ivf and Dukie being put to sleep just did me in. And, as luck would have it, the baby section just happens to be right beside the dog section. So the two saddest things for me right now are right smack dab there together in front of me! I would like to avoid the dreaded back of Wal-Mart altogether, but I have to go there for cat stuff. And sometimes I just forget about it until I turn the corner. And then it hits me like a brick wall. Baby and dog sadness.
GRIEF - This one is probably hard for some people to understand. But when we first got the bad news from our fertility doctor (bad news about Bryan's reversal) I was immediately overwhelmingly sad. I was about to leave work for the day when I got the call. Luckily, I had some friends there with me to help console me. But I remember saying that I felt like someone died. Like I had a baby, but it died. Now please forgive me, because I have never lost a child, and so I truly don't know that pain. However, it did feel like a death to me, a loss. And so I grieved this loss of the idea of having a baby. When the IVF failed, I felt this loss again. This time it has take longer to grieve the loss. In fact, each day I still am saddened with an emptiness of something I thought would be filled. I recently came across this little quote that really helps explain my feelings here.
JEALOUS - Oh how I hate this one (and the next one too)! I've felt SO jealous at times!! Jealous of everyone else that has babies and I don't! Jealous of the people who "accidentally" get pregnant without trying. Jealous of the random people at Wal-Mart, the zoo, you name it. People I have no clue who they are, and I'm jealous of them. I want what they have!
BITTER - This one is the WORST! All at the same time I feel sad, jealous, mad, and bitter! It's like I just can't stand it when someone has good news of babies! I can read a facebook post, or see a baby announcement and immediately feel like a bitter, nasty person. Why them, and not me?! How is that fair?!?!?! And then it's like I'm mad at them (them meaning anyone and everyone), but not really. Oh bitterness!!You are a hard one to explain and horrible to feel!
***ATTENTION PREGNANT PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WITH BABIES***
I'm not writing about jealousy and bitterness to upset you or make you feel guilty!!! I am TRULY happy for you, and I LOVE your children! I don't want you to stop sharing pictures, stories, and good news with me! This struggle is internal, and has nothing to do with you personally. I just wish I could be only happy for you. Instead, I am sad/jealous/bitter for me first, and then happy for you next.
ANGER- For me, anger ALWAYS comes along with jealousy and bitterness. The very second I feel jealous and bitter, I am mad at myself. I HATE those emotions, and it makes me feel like a horrible person. I want to be happy for everyone, all the time. But sometimes I can't. And then I'm upset with myself for that. This is when the tears come. Again. Tears of anger. Not at anyone but myself.
DESPERATE - In my low moments, I find myself begging and pleading with God, that I'll truly do ANYTHING for this! What can I do?! I know this isn't how God works. But I sometimes find myself trying to bargain with Him. God, if you do this for me, then I'll ________. (Fill in the blank with all of the wonderful deeds you can think of). Yes, I've said them all!
LONELINESS- This is a big part of why I started writing my blog. It was a way for me to get out all of my feelings and frustrations with the world. Why not talk to a friend or family member, you ask? Well, I can count on one hand people (who are close to me) who have gone through infertility. Do I know a few more people? I do NOW. Now that I've opened up, other people have come to me to share that they have been through this journey too. But it's a very, very difficult thing to talk about. It's such a private topic, and many people want to keep it private. Not because they want it to be a big secret, but because it's so hard to talk about. And so that's where it's lonely. I have many people who can have sympathy for me, but not empathy. They can't truly know how I feel because they haven't lived it. And those few that can empathize, don't always what to talk about it. And I don't want to approach people and make them feel uncomfortable. I have found support from a couple of people who have gone through similar situations as us, which has really helped. I also found some people on discussion boards on the internet, people who I've come to know in real life as well that have been great supporters.
TERRIFIED- knowing and trying to come to terms with the fact that babies of your own might not actually happen is terrifying! This plan and goal that I've had my entire life might not happen! Then what, why? It's so scary knowing that my plans aren't actually mine to control.
GUILTY - Oh guilt, this one is hard! Right now, I feel guilty for the amount of money that we've spent for nothing. Thousands of dollars in debt. For nothing.
I feel guilty for putting Bryan through this. If it weren't for me, Bryan would be ok with not having anymore children. Does he want them with me? YES! But, if I hadn't have come along, that would not have been a dream of his. So I feel guilty that I've dragged him into such a messy journey. Let me also say that I know he wants this as much as I do, and he doesn't feel like I have dragged him through it. But that's how I feel.
I feel guilty that IVF didn't work. I know I've said it before, and I know that I shouldn't feel that way, but that's how it is. It was MY body that didn't cooperate, therefore I put the blame on me.
My family and friends are emotionally invested in this too. I feel guilty that I got everyone so excited for nothing. I tried not to get excited. I tried not to be hopeful that the ivf round would work. But the doctors were very encouraging and we couldn't help but think it would work. Now everyone is sad about this, and I feel bad about that. I don't regret being candid with this whole topic, except when it comes to this. If we didn't tell everyone about this, I could have shielded them from being upset and worried. So I feel guilty for that too.
HELPLESS- I'm a very take-charge kind of person. My husband might even say a control freak at times. So for me to have no control over what's happening is unbelievably difficult.
I've said this before, but my whole life I was told I could do or be anything I want, as long as I work hard. That's not true in this circumstance. I can't just work hard and we have a baby. That's not how it goes. It's hard not having that control.
I don't have control of what works or what doesn't or what approach to take.The doctors tell us what to do, and that's it. There's no real alternatives or other things to try, so we are at the mercy of what they say.
I'm not control of my body either! Silly hormone drugs took control of me months ago, and even though I'm off of them now, they are still messing with me! I won't go into details here, but trust me, I'm a hot mess.
OVERWHELMED- There are SO many decisions to make and different paths we could choose. It's overwhelming to have to think about at times. And then once you make a choice, (mainly speaking about choosing IVF) the decisions are still not done. There's so much paperwork and medication that it's a lot. Timing and administration of medication is critical! So even with the most organized little calendar and alarms on my phone, it's a lot to remember.
So that's the fifty (or eleven) shades of ME! Don't fret, I am not depressed or a sad person all the time. But this entry is about my feelings through infertility and ivf. And sad but true, there's not much happiness or excitement really.
The last couple of months I've done some serious soul searching! I'm glad to say that I've gotten really good at fighting these nasty shades! Things seem easier to understand and deal with. I've prayed for years about these pesky emotions, especially in the last few months. I'm not sure yet if it's a peace, understanding, and acceptance, or if I'm just numb. Maybe it's both.
I won't be Debby Downer all the time! The next post will be POSITIVE, I promise! Thanks for sticking through this with us. Thanks for your prayers, love, and support.
