A TON has happened since my last entry. We started a second round of IVF and I started a new job, for starters. To be honest, that's enough. Those two things are A TON.
I moved to a new school and am teaching a new grade. That alone takes so much time and energy. Add my recent back and forth trips to Missouri for IVF monitoring, and it's crazy in the Brubaker house. I'll save my teaching news for a different post, so for now I can just focus on IVF news.
I started my birth control pills for our retrieval process in June and continued those until September. In the beginning of the month I began taking Clomid and then later added shots of Lupron and Ganirelix. I also had some pills too right before my retrieval, called Indocin. I had a quite shorter length of time to take meds, as well as less medicine this time around. The reason for the change is this... Last time "our" goal (aka the doctor's goal) was to go for quantity over quality; get a bunch of eggs. But since we didn't get a lot, our doctor changed the protocol for round two. This time "our" goal was quality over quantity. They told us we would probably only get a few eggs again this time, but they would be near perfect quality. The reason our doctors decided to do this is because they suspected an egg quality issue based on our outcome from round one.
So I started mid September making daily or every other day trips to St. Louis for monitoring. Each trip include a lovely internal ultrasound as well as blood work.
Egg retrieval day came so quickly. I was extremely nervous. Last time I was just so excited and optimistic. This time I knew how badly it hurt to not be successful, and was truly scared to have to relive that experience.
We got to St. Louis by 6:00 am for my procedure. Bryan provided a fresh sample and then we just sat and waited. Let me also say that last time he didn't provide a sample. They told us we didn't have to have it since there was so much great frozen sperm already. But we thought what could it hurt, so he gave what he could that morning.
My retrieval was on time and quite quick. I was not nearly as sick from the anesthesia as last time, which was awesome. But sadly that was one of the best things that happened for me for the day. While in recovery, our doctors came in to discuss how things went. I was glad to be really alert for this, since last time I wasn't. Dr. Pineda and Dr. Silber told us that they had retrieved 4 eggs, three of which they thought were good/mature. I felt pretty ok about this since last time we had 4, but two weren't mature and the other two were bad. Just as I was feeling good about it, Dr. Silber mentioned that he didn't think it would be enough, and that he was recommending another retrieval. He also discussed the fact that he had two sperm samples (one fresh and one frozen) to choose from, and he didn't know what he was going to use. Dr. Pineda then informed us that I was filled with fibroids, which we already knew. But the problem now is that one big fibroid is right in the way in my uterine lining. The placement would not allow me to get or stay pregnant. He said that I would be needing surgery to remove this before we could think about doing a transfer. Dr. Pineda also told us that I have endometriosis. This part was surprising to me too. I knew that I had a few ovarian cysts, but the doctors have been reassuring me that these cysts pose no threats. Well now they have changed their minds. Dr. Pineda says the endometrium need to be removed as well. Dr. Silber also lets me know that even though they thought initially that I had lots of good eggs, that's not actually the case. When we first met him and did my initial testing, he said I had the tons of eggs and could have kids till I was 50. NOW he's told me that I actually do have eggs, but they aren't good. He told me I have maybe two years left to have children. By this time I'm a sobbing mess, and they leave. My discharge papers say ovarian dysfunction, cysts, fibroids, egg quality, female infertility. All words that just crushed me.
I'm discharged and Bryan and I head home. We stop in Mt. Vernon at Lowe's to pick out a new washing machine. Because of course ours went out the day before the retrieval. Like we didn't have enough going on in our lives. So while in Lowe's our doctor calls. He says we have four great eggs, but he needs us to come back to St. Luke's Hospital. BOTH of the specimens, frozen and fresh are no good. So we had good eggs but no good sperm. He said Bryan had to give another sample and if that didn't work then he would aspirate to get what he needed.
Fortunately, sample two worked out. But unfortunately the lab lady told us that the frozen sperm we had is all no good, and in fact it was never good. This means we did round one IVF with no good sperm. This made us so irate! We were glad though to finally be done with the day and went back home.
The day after, my nurse Mindy emailed me to let me know that we had THREE fertilized eggs! All three fertilized! That was our best news yet! And then she gave us a day three update that they were all still doing great! I knew the odds of all three of them making it to the fifth day in vitro (in a culture dish) were not great, but was hoping to get one or two good embryos.
The point of these embryos making it to day 5 (or 6, 7) is that they have to have a certain number of cells in order to be considered a blastocyst. And they cannot freeze them without them being a blastocyst. Well day 6 was Wednesday. Mindy gave sent me an email with the worst news. Even though all of the embryos were still living, they were not were they were supposed to be by day 6. The embryologist was not optimistic that these three embryos would make it, but they were going to give them one more day.
Today we received the final results. None of our embryos made it to freeze, so our IVF round number two has come to an end. Another round with no transfer. The doctors are recommending that in the future (if we want to do it again) that we use donor eggs. Just hearing the words "donor eggs" is devastating to me. How is this even happening? How did everything go from looking so positive to this? How is this fair?
We don't know where we go from here, but I do know one thing. We are done with IVF and we won't be using donor eggs. That's just not something I want to do. For now we need to recover from this blow to our hearts. I need to come to terms with the fact that I most likely will not be having a biological child of my own. And we pray. Pray for comfort, guidance, and acceptance.
Thank you all so much for your love, support, and prayers in this last year of our fertility battle. And we welcome your continued prayers for our family during this difficult time.
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