December 16th we got up at 3:00 am so we could be on the road by 4:00. We arrived at St. Luke's right on time and got settled in quickly. My procedure was scheduled for 9:00, but I didn't end up going in until much later than that. Prior to the retrieval, we spoke with both of our doctors. They said my testing from two days before were perfect, and that they expected a wonderful outcome from the retrieval. Dr. Pineda said he anticipated having enough embryos in the end to even freeze some.
When I woke up after surgery, Bryan was with me. He had already talked to the doctors. He told me that we had gotten four eggs. I was immediately crushed and in tears. The fact that I was still loopy from the anesthesia probably didn't help my inconsolable self. Bryan was so calm, and I'm sure he didn't realize the severity of the news he was given. Up until this point, we had everything working in our favor. But only getting four eggs was a huge game changer. From there, the odds were against us. In every step after retrieval, your numbers go down.
Let's do a hypothetical scenario. Say a couple gets 15 eggs from the egg retrieval. Each one gets injected with sperm, but only then only maybe 10 actually fertilize. From there, maybe only 6 make it to the third day. So that gives the couple 6 embryos to transfer back or to freeze for later use.
So now you think about our situation. Starting with only four eggs, knowing that each step along the way we'll lose some, is terrifying. We went in hoping to be able to transfer two embryos in the end, and not so concerned about even have extras to freeze. So I let go of the idea of two, and just prayed we could get just one!
When my girl Mindy called me on Thursday with fertilization results, I knew it was bad news. First of all, I knew because until this day, I had never actually spoken to Mindy. All of our discussions had been via email. I just knew that she wouldn't deliver bad news on the computer. Sure enough, she told me my worst fear. None of the eggs fertilized. Only two were even mature enough to inject sperm into, and neither of them took. She did say there was a chance they could fertilize the next day, but that was a slim chance. Luckily for me, my students were in P.E. when I took the phone call, and I had already arranged for someone to pick them up and watch them while I went over the results with Mindy. This phone call was most definitely the worst moment of my life. From there I just cried. I just couldn't believe that this was happening. The next day Mindy called to tell me that, as expected, the other two eggs didn't fertilize either. So that was the end. She said both of our doctors are quite puzzled by the whole situation. They can't understand what went wrong, why we didn't get many more eggs as we had all anticipated.
For a couple of days I just cried. I felt lost and numb. So much energy, time, tears, and money went into this IVF round. I was crushed. Bryan was his usual supportive and positive self. Thank goodness for that! After two days of moping, we received the lab reports and doctors' recommendations . They still didn't give us many answers. Dr. Pineda and Dr. Silber still are not sure what went wrong. One speculation is that there may be an egg quality issue for me, but they can't be certain.
I've never once felt blame towards anyone about why we are at this point. But now I feel blame, from no one else but myself. And I know it's absurd because it isn't anyone's fault, including mine. But I feel it. I bear that burden of now I'm to blame for why it didn't work. Some people may read this and think how ridiculous I sound. But until you've lived this, you can't possibly understand the weight and guilt I feel. In those few low, bad days I have never felt so out of control of my own life. It wasn't until that phone call that I truly realized I am not in control. I am not the boss. I am not the decider of when/where/how all things happen in my life. Forever I have been told by my parents, teachers, everyone really, that I can do anything I want! I can be what I want to be, live where I want, have the things that I want, IF I work hard enough. That's not true in this situation. It's a hard realization to come to.
Our doctors are now recommending we do mini-IVF. We had just done conventional IVF. Here's the difference.
- Conventional IVF goal is to harvest LOTS of eggs.
- Mini-IVF goal is to harvest less eggs, but practically perfect QUALITY.
- Conventional requires more medication than mini
- Mini is about two thousand dollars less than conventional (still super expensive!)
We have been given the go-ahead to do this mini-IVF as soon as February. I'm not ready for many of reasons. Mainly, emotionally I'm not ready. I can't imagine going through this heartache again so soon. Physically, I'm not ready. I'm only just now feeling back to normal and not hormone controlled. I still even have a little bruise on my belly! With work, I'm not ready. I coach volleyball and track, both of which are about to begin. It will be way too stressful to teach, coach, be a wife/stepmom, and go through ivf at the same time. IF we do it again, it won't be until the summer. In the meantime, I just want to get back to our lives. I want to have some dates with the hubby, nights of us talking about things that AREN'T ivf related. I want to hang out with my friends and family and have conversations that AREN'T centered around baby business and me feeling sorry for myself. I want to work, enjoy my life, (maybe lose a little weight lol), give this all to God, and just become the BEST me, a me that isn't sad IVF controlled. And maybe while we're busy living life, we will get a good, old-fashioned miracle! :)
Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has been so supportive of us and this journey! We SO appreciate your love, support, and prayers!!!
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