Have I posted about songs before? Yes. Am I going to do it again? Yes. Music is my therapy. Forever my all time favorite song has been "Sweet Child of Mine." There's no reason why. I just love it. But a close second has been "To Make You Feel My Love." Choose the Garth Brooks version or the Adele version, and regardless, I'm in love. But over the years the latter of the two has crept higher and higher. It's now officially number one. So why do I love it so much?
1. Hope Floats is my all time favorite movie. I LOVE it. I've watched it more times than I can count, and I will continue to watch it. I could even watch it back to back when there's a marathon of it (normally during holiday time lol) If I happen to see it playing on Directv, I have to record it if I don't watch it live. I love Sandra Bullock. I love Harry Connick Jr. I love the story. The soundtrack is the best. What more is there?!
2. The lyrics are Bryan and I, to a T. (How do you even write to a T ?) If you've know us as a couple prior to marriage, you know that I was in far earlier than Bryan was. He was nervous to jump into a relationship/love again and I had to convince him to give in to me. LOL I'm sure now he's so happy that I am a persistent pain in the butt. haha! There's one line, "I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong.." It's us. If nothing else in this song, this line is us. (At least while we were dating) I remember saying to friends early on that I thought I was supposed to marry him. "I've known it from the moment that we met. No doubt in my mind where you belong." Kids (me wanting some and him not really) was the deal breaker. And I remember countless times saying, "Well maybe I can't have kids. Maybe that's why I met Bryan, because he already has two kids that I love." And sure enough, my thoughts were right. Thank God Bryan listened to me and married me like I told him to do. ;)
3. Garth Brooks or Adele . I mean either choice, I'm melting. How can you not love this song?!
*** Read Full Disclosure Before Moving to Number Four***
I have two step kids that I love with my whole entire heart. They are my life, and have been for years. I truly love them like my own kids. I cannot even fathom the thought of not having Eric and Kailey in my life and I thank God for these two every single day. All my decisions in life are revolved around them too, and they have all my love. :) BUT, they don't need me to rock them, pat their backs, and sing them songs to go to sleep. There are other songs that are US, but this one isn't it. So they aren't in number 4. Sorry kids, love you just the same!
4. These two little girls. Play the song again and now think about it with this perspective of these kiddos that God has placed in our lives. (You know you HAVE to listen to it twice. Once with the mindset of Bryan and I, and then again with this perspective) Singing to/with the girls has turned bedtime into a part of the day that I cherish most. Some might say DUH, so lovely them cuddling with you. Well it's not always been cuddly and lovely. Slowly though bedtime is becoming a very smooth, consistent, and awesome part of our day. Listen though. I have Mira begging for more songs. Not because she loves my singing voice. Not because she loves all my songs. But because she doesn't want to go to bed, and singing one more allows her to stay up just a bit longer lol. But guess what? She wants to know the meaning of songs. This is new to her, and she wants to know what every line means. We talk about what "You are My Sunshine" means every night. She beams and so do I. So we go through all the songs that I know all the words to, but I run out fairly quickly. And then I get put on the spot. (Admit it, you can know tons of words to songs when the radio is blaring. But try when you have a crying baby on your hip, and an inquisitive six year old laying right by you. It's hard!) But when it's your favorite song, the lyrics aren't hard. They come right out. And when a little curly headed brunette asks you, "What does that mean?" You tell her. You tell her that you'll move mountains to make her happy. And on the best days and even the worst days, you love her. That "I could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love." And then she beams. She smiles herself to sleep, and you have tears. And just like that, the number two song on your personal chart has officially made it to number one. (the editor in me is realizing that I've changed perspectives midway through this paragraph, changing tenses from me to you. But I don't care lol)
Enjoy the song. I know I do every single time. I challenge you to find your song. The one that melts you. The one that is the story of your life. The one that you can recite without the radio, when you're put on the spot. The one you can't do without during your bedtime. Goodnight!
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Sunday, November 6, 2016
My Soundtrack, Volume 2
Over the summer I shared a playlist of some songs that sort of tell the story of my life. I knew I would be doing a second part, since there are so many songs that I love. It's just taken me awhile to narrow some down. I'll be honest, I could do MANY volumes of soundtracks for me because songs to me are memories of good times and of bad. Since I've had many good and bad times in my life, I could add many songs.
But I've decided to write a playlist that helps describe me in the last year. It's no secret that our fertility journey has had a lot of ups and downs. Unfortunately, there have been more downs than ups. I had a friend tell me that she thought I was handling the second failed IVF better than the first. And I agreed. There's a couple of reasons why. This second failure was more definite than the first. Last year when it didn't work, the doctors gave us scenarios of things that could have gone wrong, and why next time would be a better outcome. There were more options. This time they didn't give us that optimism and more options like the first. It was a kind of like a breakup. The first time it was a breakup that was complicated. We still had questions that needed to be answered and thought we could make it work. But this second IVF was a clean split breakup. We knew it was truly done, and nothing else is an option, so why hold on to this idea. So that's one reason it may be easier to stomach. But mainly, I am a different person than I was one year ago. I'm stronger and more brave person. I have a belief and faith about life that I didn't have one short year ago.
In the last two and a half years (the amount of time we've been trying to have a baby) I've tried all kinds of ways to make myself feel better - surrounding myself with friends and family, shopping, crying, complaining, laughing, wine and margaritas, eating junk food... And all of those work for a little bit. Let me say that I have the BEST, most supportive husband, family, and friends. They're amazing. But they aren't with me all the time. And the the crying/complaining/laughing those help in the moment, but the worries about what's going to happen next still come back. The same goes for the wine and snacks. They fill a void for a little bit, but then those worrisome feelings come back. But I needed more. Something constant to give me strength and hope. I've always been a believer in God and I've always prayed. But last year after our first failed round, I started digging deeper. I needed more support and I felt like the church had my answers. I just jumped right in - not letting myself miss Sunday services, volunteering at church, praying more, and (what the whole point of this post is) listening to music that brought me that peace, strength, faith, and hope that I needed. And so when this last egg retrieval wasn't successful, it wasn't as hard to take. Don't get me wrong, it's horrible and I've been sad. BUT I know that there is truly a wonderful plan for my life and for my family. Right now I'm just so thankful that God put Bryan in my life. He knew I wouldn't be able to have biological children. So He put Bryan in my life because Bryan has two kids. Two kids that are now mine too. For that I'm truly blessed and thankful. There's more greatness to come for our family, and I'm hopeful and excited for the future. I know some are like "Hey, get on with it. Where's the whole playlist?!" So here you go. Here are just a few of my favorite songs that have helped me to get to the wonderful state that I'm in right now.
I hope you listen to them all! I smile when I hear each of them, and they help give a little boost, a reminder to have faith, and to be grateful for what you have! :)
This is the first contemporary Christian song that I just fell in love with. Still a favorite for sure!
These next two are new favorites. To me they're a must for an uplifting playlist! :)
I have always loved Danny Gokey, and these two songs of his are some musts for a great positive playlist! If you listen to ANY of the songs on here, listen to Hope in Front of Me!
I could go on and on with my inspirational playlist, but I'll end with just two more. I love the show Nashville and these young singers. These two songs have been on my itunes playlist for a long time now, and I still listen to them regularly. These girls aren't labeled as Christian singers, but I think the message these songs give are great. They're awesome reminders of what a wonderful life I have right now, and to be thankful for that.
Ok, I know I said to listen to Danny Gokey, BUT This last song is probably the one that I want everyone to hear. Times get hard. Remember though, that it can be worse. Embrace what you have and be thankful for it! There are more things I want in my life and not everything has been going in the way that I planned. But this helps remind me that right now, I'm living a truly great life. And I'm so happy for that. <3
But I've decided to write a playlist that helps describe me in the last year. It's no secret that our fertility journey has had a lot of ups and downs. Unfortunately, there have been more downs than ups. I had a friend tell me that she thought I was handling the second failed IVF better than the first. And I agreed. There's a couple of reasons why. This second failure was more definite than the first. Last year when it didn't work, the doctors gave us scenarios of things that could have gone wrong, and why next time would be a better outcome. There were more options. This time they didn't give us that optimism and more options like the first. It was a kind of like a breakup. The first time it was a breakup that was complicated. We still had questions that needed to be answered and thought we could make it work. But this second IVF was a clean split breakup. We knew it was truly done, and nothing else is an option, so why hold on to this idea. So that's one reason it may be easier to stomach. But mainly, I am a different person than I was one year ago. I'm stronger and more brave person. I have a belief and faith about life that I didn't have one short year ago.
In the last two and a half years (the amount of time we've been trying to have a baby) I've tried all kinds of ways to make myself feel better - surrounding myself with friends and family, shopping, crying, complaining, laughing, wine and margaritas, eating junk food... And all of those work for a little bit. Let me say that I have the BEST, most supportive husband, family, and friends. They're amazing. But they aren't with me all the time. And the the crying/complaining/laughing those help in the moment, but the worries about what's going to happen next still come back. The same goes for the wine and snacks. They fill a void for a little bit, but then those worrisome feelings come back. But I needed more. Something constant to give me strength and hope. I've always been a believer in God and I've always prayed. But last year after our first failed round, I started digging deeper. I needed more support and I felt like the church had my answers. I just jumped right in - not letting myself miss Sunday services, volunteering at church, praying more, and (what the whole point of this post is) listening to music that brought me that peace, strength, faith, and hope that I needed. And so when this last egg retrieval wasn't successful, it wasn't as hard to take. Don't get me wrong, it's horrible and I've been sad. BUT I know that there is truly a wonderful plan for my life and for my family. Right now I'm just so thankful that God put Bryan in my life. He knew I wouldn't be able to have biological children. So He put Bryan in my life because Bryan has two kids. Two kids that are now mine too. For that I'm truly blessed and thankful. There's more greatness to come for our family, and I'm hopeful and excited for the future. I know some are like "Hey, get on with it. Where's the whole playlist?!" So here you go. Here are just a few of my favorite songs that have helped me to get to the wonderful state that I'm in right now.
I hope you listen to them all! I smile when I hear each of them, and they help give a little boost, a reminder to have faith, and to be grateful for what you have! :)
This is the first contemporary Christian song that I just fell in love with. Still a favorite for sure!
These next two are new favorites. To me they're a must for an uplifting playlist! :)
I have always loved Danny Gokey, and these two songs of his are some musts for a great positive playlist! If you listen to ANY of the songs on here, listen to Hope in Front of Me!
I could go on and on with my inspirational playlist, but I'll end with just two more. I love the show Nashville and these young singers. These two songs have been on my itunes playlist for a long time now, and I still listen to them regularly. These girls aren't labeled as Christian singers, but I think the message these songs give are great. They're awesome reminders of what a wonderful life I have right now, and to be thankful for that.
Ok, I know I said to listen to Danny Gokey, BUT This last song is probably the one that I want everyone to hear. Times get hard. Remember though, that it can be worse. Embrace what you have and be thankful for it! There are more things I want in my life and not everything has been going in the way that I planned. But this helps remind me that right now, I'm living a truly great life. And I'm so happy for that. <3
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Egg Retrieval #2 and Updates
A TON has happened since my last entry. We started a second round of IVF and I started a new job, for starters. To be honest, that's enough. Those two things are A TON.
I moved to a new school and am teaching a new grade. That alone takes so much time and energy. Add my recent back and forth trips to Missouri for IVF monitoring, and it's crazy in the Brubaker house. I'll save my teaching news for a different post, so for now I can just focus on IVF news.
I started my birth control pills for our retrieval process in June and continued those until September. In the beginning of the month I began taking Clomid and then later added shots of Lupron and Ganirelix. I also had some pills too right before my retrieval, called Indocin. I had a quite shorter length of time to take meds, as well as less medicine this time around. The reason for the change is this... Last time "our" goal (aka the doctor's goal) was to go for quantity over quality; get a bunch of eggs. But since we didn't get a lot, our doctor changed the protocol for round two. This time "our" goal was quality over quantity. They told us we would probably only get a few eggs again this time, but they would be near perfect quality. The reason our doctors decided to do this is because they suspected an egg quality issue based on our outcome from round one.
So I started mid September making daily or every other day trips to St. Louis for monitoring. Each trip include a lovely internal ultrasound as well as blood work.
Egg retrieval day came so quickly. I was extremely nervous. Last time I was just so excited and optimistic. This time I knew how badly it hurt to not be successful, and was truly scared to have to relive that experience.
We got to St. Louis by 6:00 am for my procedure. Bryan provided a fresh sample and then we just sat and waited. Let me also say that last time he didn't provide a sample. They told us we didn't have to have it since there was so much great frozen sperm already. But we thought what could it hurt, so he gave what he could that morning.
My retrieval was on time and quite quick. I was not nearly as sick from the anesthesia as last time, which was awesome. But sadly that was one of the best things that happened for me for the day. While in recovery, our doctors came in to discuss how things went. I was glad to be really alert for this, since last time I wasn't. Dr. Pineda and Dr. Silber told us that they had retrieved 4 eggs, three of which they thought were good/mature. I felt pretty ok about this since last time we had 4, but two weren't mature and the other two were bad. Just as I was feeling good about it, Dr. Silber mentioned that he didn't think it would be enough, and that he was recommending another retrieval. He also discussed the fact that he had two sperm samples (one fresh and one frozen) to choose from, and he didn't know what he was going to use. Dr. Pineda then informed us that I was filled with fibroids, which we already knew. But the problem now is that one big fibroid is right in the way in my uterine lining. The placement would not allow me to get or stay pregnant. He said that I would be needing surgery to remove this before we could think about doing a transfer. Dr. Pineda also told us that I have endometriosis. This part was surprising to me too. I knew that I had a few ovarian cysts, but the doctors have been reassuring me that these cysts pose no threats. Well now they have changed their minds. Dr. Pineda says the endometrium need to be removed as well. Dr. Silber also lets me know that even though they thought initially that I had lots of good eggs, that's not actually the case. When we first met him and did my initial testing, he said I had the tons of eggs and could have kids till I was 50. NOW he's told me that I actually do have eggs, but they aren't good. He told me I have maybe two years left to have children. By this time I'm a sobbing mess, and they leave. My discharge papers say ovarian dysfunction, cysts, fibroids, egg quality, female infertility. All words that just crushed me.
I'm discharged and Bryan and I head home. We stop in Mt. Vernon at Lowe's to pick out a new washing machine. Because of course ours went out the day before the retrieval. Like we didn't have enough going on in our lives. So while in Lowe's our doctor calls. He says we have four great eggs, but he needs us to come back to St. Luke's Hospital. BOTH of the specimens, frozen and fresh are no good. So we had good eggs but no good sperm. He said Bryan had to give another sample and if that didn't work then he would aspirate to get what he needed.
Fortunately, sample two worked out. But unfortunately the lab lady told us that the frozen sperm we had is all no good, and in fact it was never good. This means we did round one IVF with no good sperm. This made us so irate! We were glad though to finally be done with the day and went back home.
The day after, my nurse Mindy emailed me to let me know that we had THREE fertilized eggs! All three fertilized! That was our best news yet! And then she gave us a day three update that they were all still doing great! I knew the odds of all three of them making it to the fifth day in vitro (in a culture dish) were not great, but was hoping to get one or two good embryos.
The point of these embryos making it to day 5 (or 6, 7) is that they have to have a certain number of cells in order to be considered a blastocyst. And they cannot freeze them without them being a blastocyst. Well day 6 was Wednesday. Mindy gave sent me an email with the worst news. Even though all of the embryos were still living, they were not were they were supposed to be by day 6. The embryologist was not optimistic that these three embryos would make it, but they were going to give them one more day.
Today we received the final results. None of our embryos made it to freeze, so our IVF round number two has come to an end. Another round with no transfer. The doctors are recommending that in the future (if we want to do it again) that we use donor eggs. Just hearing the words "donor eggs" is devastating to me. How is this even happening? How did everything go from looking so positive to this? How is this fair?
We don't know where we go from here, but I do know one thing. We are done with IVF and we won't be using donor eggs. That's just not something I want to do. For now we need to recover from this blow to our hearts. I need to come to terms with the fact that I most likely will not be having a biological child of my own. And we pray. Pray for comfort, guidance, and acceptance.
Thank you all so much for your love, support, and prayers in this last year of our fertility battle. And we welcome your continued prayers for our family during this difficult time.
I moved to a new school and am teaching a new grade. That alone takes so much time and energy. Add my recent back and forth trips to Missouri for IVF monitoring, and it's crazy in the Brubaker house. I'll save my teaching news for a different post, so for now I can just focus on IVF news.
I started my birth control pills for our retrieval process in June and continued those until September. In the beginning of the month I began taking Clomid and then later added shots of Lupron and Ganirelix. I also had some pills too right before my retrieval, called Indocin. I had a quite shorter length of time to take meds, as well as less medicine this time around. The reason for the change is this... Last time "our" goal (aka the doctor's goal) was to go for quantity over quality; get a bunch of eggs. But since we didn't get a lot, our doctor changed the protocol for round two. This time "our" goal was quality over quantity. They told us we would probably only get a few eggs again this time, but they would be near perfect quality. The reason our doctors decided to do this is because they suspected an egg quality issue based on our outcome from round one.
So I started mid September making daily or every other day trips to St. Louis for monitoring. Each trip include a lovely internal ultrasound as well as blood work.
Egg retrieval day came so quickly. I was extremely nervous. Last time I was just so excited and optimistic. This time I knew how badly it hurt to not be successful, and was truly scared to have to relive that experience.
We got to St. Louis by 6:00 am for my procedure. Bryan provided a fresh sample and then we just sat and waited. Let me also say that last time he didn't provide a sample. They told us we didn't have to have it since there was so much great frozen sperm already. But we thought what could it hurt, so he gave what he could that morning.
My retrieval was on time and quite quick. I was not nearly as sick from the anesthesia as last time, which was awesome. But sadly that was one of the best things that happened for me for the day. While in recovery, our doctors came in to discuss how things went. I was glad to be really alert for this, since last time I wasn't. Dr. Pineda and Dr. Silber told us that they had retrieved 4 eggs, three of which they thought were good/mature. I felt pretty ok about this since last time we had 4, but two weren't mature and the other two were bad. Just as I was feeling good about it, Dr. Silber mentioned that he didn't think it would be enough, and that he was recommending another retrieval. He also discussed the fact that he had two sperm samples (one fresh and one frozen) to choose from, and he didn't know what he was going to use. Dr. Pineda then informed us that I was filled with fibroids, which we already knew. But the problem now is that one big fibroid is right in the way in my uterine lining. The placement would not allow me to get or stay pregnant. He said that I would be needing surgery to remove this before we could think about doing a transfer. Dr. Pineda also told us that I have endometriosis. This part was surprising to me too. I knew that I had a few ovarian cysts, but the doctors have been reassuring me that these cysts pose no threats. Well now they have changed their minds. Dr. Pineda says the endometrium need to be removed as well. Dr. Silber also lets me know that even though they thought initially that I had lots of good eggs, that's not actually the case. When we first met him and did my initial testing, he said I had the tons of eggs and could have kids till I was 50. NOW he's told me that I actually do have eggs, but they aren't good. He told me I have maybe two years left to have children. By this time I'm a sobbing mess, and they leave. My discharge papers say ovarian dysfunction, cysts, fibroids, egg quality, female infertility. All words that just crushed me.
I'm discharged and Bryan and I head home. We stop in Mt. Vernon at Lowe's to pick out a new washing machine. Because of course ours went out the day before the retrieval. Like we didn't have enough going on in our lives. So while in Lowe's our doctor calls. He says we have four great eggs, but he needs us to come back to St. Luke's Hospital. BOTH of the specimens, frozen and fresh are no good. So we had good eggs but no good sperm. He said Bryan had to give another sample and if that didn't work then he would aspirate to get what he needed.
Fortunately, sample two worked out. But unfortunately the lab lady told us that the frozen sperm we had is all no good, and in fact it was never good. This means we did round one IVF with no good sperm. This made us so irate! We were glad though to finally be done with the day and went back home.
The day after, my nurse Mindy emailed me to let me know that we had THREE fertilized eggs! All three fertilized! That was our best news yet! And then she gave us a day three update that they were all still doing great! I knew the odds of all three of them making it to the fifth day in vitro (in a culture dish) were not great, but was hoping to get one or two good embryos.
The point of these embryos making it to day 5 (or 6, 7) is that they have to have a certain number of cells in order to be considered a blastocyst. And they cannot freeze them without them being a blastocyst. Well day 6 was Wednesday. Mindy gave sent me an email with the worst news. Even though all of the embryos were still living, they were not were they were supposed to be by day 6. The embryologist was not optimistic that these three embryos would make it, but they were going to give them one more day.
Today we received the final results. None of our embryos made it to freeze, so our IVF round number two has come to an end. Another round with no transfer. The doctors are recommending that in the future (if we want to do it again) that we use donor eggs. Just hearing the words "donor eggs" is devastating to me. How is this even happening? How did everything go from looking so positive to this? How is this fair?
We don't know where we go from here, but I do know one thing. We are done with IVF and we won't be using donor eggs. That's just not something I want to do. For now we need to recover from this blow to our hearts. I need to come to terms with the fact that I most likely will not be having a biological child of my own. And we pray. Pray for comfort, guidance, and acceptance.
Thank you all so much for your love, support, and prayers in this last year of our fertility battle. And we welcome your continued prayers for our family during this difficult time.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
The Soundtrack to My Life
As many of you probably know, music is a huge part of my life. I have forever obsessed about songs, researching and memorizing every single lyric to all of my favorites. Who am I kidding, I know all the words to the ones I dislike too. Songs for me are memories. I can hear a tune and it takes me right back to a certain time in my life. So I wanted to make a little playlist of my life. Some of my favorites, and some that (I think) help tell the story of ME. To be honest, I have more songs to share than time in the day. No I won't do that to you people. But this will be a two part soundtrack. Here's part one. Enjoy.
First up, this is a favorite of mine because my name is the title. They spell it Amie, but still sounds the same. I LOVED hearing this as a kid, and still brings a smile to my face every time I hear it. My first song is "Amie" from Pure Prairie League.
My parents and sisters know firsthand why "Grandpa" by The Judds made it to my soundtrack. When I hear this song I get two feelings - love and embarrassment. We loved us some Judds in the Foutch household!!!! There was a specific incident where I forced my two younger sisters to sit in front of the mirror rehearsing this song over and over. I really loved it and just knew it would be such a sweet thing for our parents. It turned out to be a bit of a mess, one that we still to this day look back on and laugh about. I will never ever hear this song and not think of us three girls sitting in front of that mirror (me yelling) for the girls to get serious about practicing this song. LOL
I can't talk about my soundtrack without adding my favorite song of all time. It's "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N Roses. Why is this song my fav ever? I have NO clue! I love it and that's all I have to say about it! No reasons at all! :)
There isn't an Amy Grant song that I don't know every single word to. I just hear the music without the words and know exactly what it is! I was drawn to Amy Grant when I was in 4th grade. There are tons of reasons. Maybe because the only radio station that I knew as a nine year old was good ole WJBD, and Amy Grant was the most new/relevant singer on that station at the time. Maybe I liked her because (again) it was my name. Or maybe it was because when I was in "Get Smart" class in 4th grade, a very cool 8th grader (cool as in she was in 8th grade and I wasn't) said I looked like her BAHAHA! But whatever the reasons, I am for certain that it was the first tape that was ever mine. AND it had all the words to all of her songs in the insert!! So you bet I would rewind those babies over and over until I had learned every single word. So I really LOVED "Baby, Baby."
I have to add something for my teens/twenties where I was a dancing fool till the break of dawn all night, every weekend! There are SOOOO many songs that take me back to those good old care free days! But since I can't add them all, I just can't go without "Push It" and "Baby Got Back" to my list of my best dance songs!
This next one is a double whammy. First of all, it's on my favorite movie of all time, Hope Floats. But after meeting Bryan, it became (for me) a perfect song that describes us. Those who knew us as a fresh, new couple know that I fell fast and hard for Bryan. I knew early on that we were supposed to be together. However, Bryan needed a little more time to realize that I was exactly what he was needing. Anyway, that's what this song is all about. Waiting for your person to figure out that you would do just anything for them. It took five years, but he got there. And I thank God every day for that. "My cup runneth over."
"When You Love Someone" by Bryan Adams is the song that Bryan, my husband, and I danced to for our very first song as husband and wife. I wonder if he remembers this!?!? HAHA There's no significant meaning to the song for us, just that it's our first dance song and that it's a sweet love song. <3
My final track is a very new (and odd) addition to my soundtrack. Last summer (2015) we drove to Destin for our annual family vaca. It was long into our 12 hour drive when this song came on. Bryan, Eric, Kailey, and I were already delirious from our crazy drive and the words to this song just made us all die laughing. None of us had heard it before, but continued to hear it through the whole vacation and when we got back too. I'll never forget sitting in the front seat and us saying "Did they just say I can't feel my face when I'm with you?!" That trip to Destin I will not soon forget since it was such a wonderful time with my family. And this silly song definitely takes me back there every time.
I hope you enjoyed the throwbacks just as much as I did finding them and reminiscing of some awesome chapters in my life. Check back soon for part two!!!
First up, this is a favorite of mine because my name is the title. They spell it Amie, but still sounds the same. I LOVED hearing this as a kid, and still brings a smile to my face every time I hear it. My first song is "Amie" from Pure Prairie League.
My parents and sisters know firsthand why "Grandpa" by The Judds made it to my soundtrack. When I hear this song I get two feelings - love and embarrassment. We loved us some Judds in the Foutch household!!!! There was a specific incident where I forced my two younger sisters to sit in front of the mirror rehearsing this song over and over. I really loved it and just knew it would be such a sweet thing for our parents. It turned out to be a bit of a mess, one that we still to this day look back on and laugh about. I will never ever hear this song and not think of us three girls sitting in front of that mirror (me yelling) for the girls to get serious about practicing this song. LOL
I can't talk about my soundtrack without adding my favorite song of all time. It's "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N Roses. Why is this song my fav ever? I have NO clue! I love it and that's all I have to say about it! No reasons at all! :)
There isn't an Amy Grant song that I don't know every single word to. I just hear the music without the words and know exactly what it is! I was drawn to Amy Grant when I was in 4th grade. There are tons of reasons. Maybe because the only radio station that I knew as a nine year old was good ole WJBD, and Amy Grant was the most new/relevant singer on that station at the time. Maybe I liked her because (again) it was my name. Or maybe it was because when I was in "Get Smart" class in 4th grade, a very cool 8th grader (cool as in she was in 8th grade and I wasn't) said I looked like her BAHAHA! But whatever the reasons, I am for certain that it was the first tape that was ever mine. AND it had all the words to all of her songs in the insert!! So you bet I would rewind those babies over and over until I had learned every single word. So I really LOVED "Baby, Baby."
I have to add something for my teens/twenties where I was a dancing fool till the break of dawn all night, every weekend! There are SOOOO many songs that take me back to those good old care free days! But since I can't add them all, I just can't go without "Push It" and "Baby Got Back" to my list of my best dance songs!
This next one is a double whammy. First of all, it's on my favorite movie of all time, Hope Floats. But after meeting Bryan, it became (for me) a perfect song that describes us. Those who knew us as a fresh, new couple know that I fell fast and hard for Bryan. I knew early on that we were supposed to be together. However, Bryan needed a little more time to realize that I was exactly what he was needing. Anyway, that's what this song is all about. Waiting for your person to figure out that you would do just anything for them. It took five years, but he got there. And I thank God every day for that. "My cup runneth over."
"When You Love Someone" by Bryan Adams is the song that Bryan, my husband, and I danced to for our very first song as husband and wife. I wonder if he remembers this!?!? HAHA There's no significant meaning to the song for us, just that it's our first dance song and that it's a sweet love song. <3
My final track is a very new (and odd) addition to my soundtrack. Last summer (2015) we drove to Destin for our annual family vaca. It was long into our 12 hour drive when this song came on. Bryan, Eric, Kailey, and I were already delirious from our crazy drive and the words to this song just made us all die laughing. None of us had heard it before, but continued to hear it through the whole vacation and when we got back too. I'll never forget sitting in the front seat and us saying "Did they just say I can't feel my face when I'm with you?!" That trip to Destin I will not soon forget since it was such a wonderful time with my family. And this silly song definitely takes me back there every time.
I hope you enjoyed the throwbacks just as much as I did finding them and reminiscing of some awesome chapters in my life. Check back soon for part two!!!
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
50 Shades of ME
To start off, yes, this is a play off 50 Shades of Grey. No, this is not a blog entry explaining details about my sex life. Sorry and/or you're welcome!
I've been absent for a couple of months. I've taken time to process everything that has happened and given myself a break from thinking about anything "trying to conceive" for a little bit.
Truth be told, this was initially supposed to be my first entry. It has sat as a draft for many months. I never posted it because it seemed maybe too real, too angry, too depressing, just too much in general. But I started doing this blog as a way for me to vent, to help others, and to give people who don't know about infertility a glimpse of what it's like. I've decided that I started this with complete openness and vulnerability, and if I didn't share this post, then I wouldn't be completely honest like I planned in the beginning. So here it goes!
Battling this whole "trying to conceive" business is ugly. It makes me an ugly person sometimes. Here are the (ugly) fifty shades of ME.
SADNESS - an obvious one, of course. Sad that we spent so much money on a surgery that didn't work. Sad that I may never know what it feels like to have a life growing inside me. Sad that we may not get to look at a baby, and see ourselves in it. Sad to have gotten myself so excited for nothing. Sad about everything.
The worst time for me lately is at Wal-Mart for whatever silly reason. The whole back part of that place makes me get a knot in my throat! I think the timing with the failed ivf and Dukie being put to sleep just did me in. And, as luck would have it, the baby section just happens to be right beside the dog section. So the two saddest things for me right now are right smack dab there together in front of me! I would like to avoid the dreaded back of Wal-Mart altogether, but I have to go there for cat stuff. And sometimes I just forget about it until I turn the corner. And then it hits me like a brick wall. Baby and dog sadness.
GRIEF - This one is probably hard for some people to understand. But when we first got the bad news from our fertility doctor (bad news about Bryan's reversal) I was immediately overwhelmingly sad. I was about to leave work for the day when I got the call. Luckily, I had some friends there with me to help console me. But I remember saying that I felt like someone died. Like I had a baby, but it died. Now please forgive me, because I have never lost a child, and so I truly don't know that pain. However, it did feel like a death to me, a loss. And so I grieved this loss of the idea of having a baby. When the IVF failed, I felt this loss again. This time it has take longer to grieve the loss. In fact, each day I still am saddened with an emptiness of something I thought would be filled. I recently came across this little quote that really helps explain my feelings here.
JEALOUS - Oh how I hate this one (and the next one too)! I've felt SO jealous at times!! Jealous of everyone else that has babies and I don't! Jealous of the people who "accidentally" get pregnant without trying. Jealous of the random people at Wal-Mart, the zoo, you name it. People I have no clue who they are, and I'm jealous of them. I want what they have!
BITTER - This one is the WORST! All at the same time I feel sad, jealous, mad, and bitter! It's like I just can't stand it when someone has good news of babies! I can read a facebook post, or see a baby announcement and immediately feel like a bitter, nasty person. Why them, and not me?! How is that fair?!?!?! And then it's like I'm mad at them (them meaning anyone and everyone), but not really. Oh bitterness!!You are a hard one to explain and horrible to feel!
***ATTENTION PREGNANT PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WITH BABIES***
I'm not writing about jealousy and bitterness to upset you or make you feel guilty!!! I am TRULY happy for you, and I LOVE your children! I don't want you to stop sharing pictures, stories, and good news with me! This struggle is internal, and has nothing to do with you personally. I just wish I could be only happy for you. Instead, I am sad/jealous/bitter for me first, and then happy for you next.
ANGER- For me, anger ALWAYS comes along with jealousy and bitterness. The very second I feel jealous and bitter, I am mad at myself. I HATE those emotions, and it makes me feel like a horrible person. I want to be happy for everyone, all the time. But sometimes I can't. And then I'm upset with myself for that. This is when the tears come. Again. Tears of anger. Not at anyone but myself.
DESPERATE - In my low moments, I find myself begging and pleading with God, that I'll truly do ANYTHING for this! What can I do?! I know this isn't how God works. But I sometimes find myself trying to bargain with Him. God, if you do this for me, then I'll ________. (Fill in the blank with all of the wonderful deeds you can think of). Yes, I've said them all!
LONELINESS- This is a big part of why I started writing my blog. It was a way for me to get out all of my feelings and frustrations with the world. Why not talk to a friend or family member, you ask? Well, I can count on one hand people (who are close to me) who have gone through infertility. Do I know a few more people? I do NOW. Now that I've opened up, other people have come to me to share that they have been through this journey too. But it's a very, very difficult thing to talk about. It's such a private topic, and many people want to keep it private. Not because they want it to be a big secret, but because it's so hard to talk about. And so that's where it's lonely. I have many people who can have sympathy for me, but not empathy. They can't truly know how I feel because they haven't lived it. And those few that can empathize, don't always what to talk about it. And I don't want to approach people and make them feel uncomfortable. I have found support from a couple of people who have gone through similar situations as us, which has really helped. I also found some people on discussion boards on the internet, people who I've come to know in real life as well that have been great supporters.
TERRIFIED- knowing and trying to come to terms with the fact that babies of your own might not actually happen is terrifying! This plan and goal that I've had my entire life might not happen! Then what, why? It's so scary knowing that my plans aren't actually mine to control.
GUILTY - Oh guilt, this one is hard! Right now, I feel guilty for the amount of money that we've spent for nothing. Thousands of dollars in debt. For nothing.
I feel guilty for putting Bryan through this. If it weren't for me, Bryan would be ok with not having anymore children. Does he want them with me? YES! But, if I hadn't have come along, that would not have been a dream of his. So I feel guilty that I've dragged him into such a messy journey. Let me also say that I know he wants this as much as I do, and he doesn't feel like I have dragged him through it. But that's how I feel.
I feel guilty that IVF didn't work. I know I've said it before, and I know that I shouldn't feel that way, but that's how it is. It was MY body that didn't cooperate, therefore I put the blame on me.
My family and friends are emotionally invested in this too. I feel guilty that I got everyone so excited for nothing. I tried not to get excited. I tried not to be hopeful that the ivf round would work. But the doctors were very encouraging and we couldn't help but think it would work. Now everyone is sad about this, and I feel bad about that. I don't regret being candid with this whole topic, except when it comes to this. If we didn't tell everyone about this, I could have shielded them from being upset and worried. So I feel guilty for that too.
HELPLESS- I'm a very take-charge kind of person. My husband might even say a control freak at times. So for me to have no control over what's happening is unbelievably difficult.
I've said this before, but my whole life I was told I could do or be anything I want, as long as I work hard. That's not true in this circumstance. I can't just work hard and we have a baby. That's not how it goes. It's hard not having that control.
I don't have control of what works or what doesn't or what approach to take.The doctors tell us what to do, and that's it. There's no real alternatives or other things to try, so we are at the mercy of what they say.
I'm not control of my body either! Silly hormone drugs took control of me months ago, and even though I'm off of them now, they are still messing with me! I won't go into details here, but trust me, I'm a hot mess.
OVERWHELMED- There are SO many decisions to make and different paths we could choose. It's overwhelming to have to think about at times. And then once you make a choice, (mainly speaking about choosing IVF) the decisions are still not done. There's so much paperwork and medication that it's a lot. Timing and administration of medication is critical! So even with the most organized little calendar and alarms on my phone, it's a lot to remember.
So that's the fifty (or eleven) shades of ME! Don't fret, I am not depressed or a sad person all the time. But this entry is about my feelings through infertility and ivf. And sad but true, there's not much happiness or excitement really.
The last couple of months I've done some serious soul searching! I'm glad to say that I've gotten really good at fighting these nasty shades! Things seem easier to understand and deal with. I've prayed for years about these pesky emotions, especially in the last few months. I'm not sure yet if it's a peace, understanding, and acceptance, or if I'm just numb. Maybe it's both.
I won't be Debby Downer all the time! The next post will be POSITIVE, I promise! Thanks for sticking through this with us. Thanks for your prayers, love, and support.
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Egg Retrieval and Updates
Most everyone knows that our IVF round wasn't a success. However, most people don't know/understand why. Here's a little update on what went on!
December 16th we got up at 3:00 am so we could be on the road by 4:00. We arrived at St. Luke's right on time and got settled in quickly. My procedure was scheduled for 9:00, but I didn't end up going in until much later than that. Prior to the retrieval, we spoke with both of our doctors. They said my testing from two days before were perfect, and that they expected a wonderful outcome from the retrieval. Dr. Pineda said he anticipated having enough embryos in the end to even freeze some.
When I woke up after surgery, Bryan was with me. He had already talked to the doctors. He told me that we had gotten four eggs. I was immediately crushed and in tears. The fact that I was still loopy from the anesthesia probably didn't help my inconsolable self. Bryan was so calm, and I'm sure he didn't realize the severity of the news he was given. Up until this point, we had everything working in our favor. But only getting four eggs was a huge game changer. From there, the odds were against us. In every step after retrieval, your numbers go down.
Let's do a hypothetical scenario. Say a couple gets 15 eggs from the egg retrieval. Each one gets injected with sperm, but only then only maybe 10 actually fertilize. From there, maybe only 6 make it to the third day. So that gives the couple 6 embryos to transfer back or to freeze for later use.
So now you think about our situation. Starting with only four eggs, knowing that each step along the way we'll lose some, is terrifying. We went in hoping to be able to transfer two embryos in the end, and not so concerned about even have extras to freeze. So I let go of the idea of two, and just prayed we could get just one!
When my girl Mindy called me on Thursday with fertilization results, I knew it was bad news. First of all, I knew because until this day, I had never actually spoken to Mindy. All of our discussions had been via email. I just knew that she wouldn't deliver bad news on the computer. Sure enough, she told me my worst fear. None of the eggs fertilized. Only two were even mature enough to inject sperm into, and neither of them took. She did say there was a chance they could fertilize the next day, but that was a slim chance. Luckily for me, my students were in P.E. when I took the phone call, and I had already arranged for someone to pick them up and watch them while I went over the results with Mindy. This phone call was most definitely the worst moment of my life. From there I just cried. I just couldn't believe that this was happening. The next day Mindy called to tell me that, as expected, the other two eggs didn't fertilize either. So that was the end. She said both of our doctors are quite puzzled by the whole situation. They can't understand what went wrong, why we didn't get many more eggs as we had all anticipated.
For a couple of days I just cried. I felt lost and numb. So much energy, time, tears, and money went into this IVF round. I was crushed. Bryan was his usual supportive and positive self. Thank goodness for that! After two days of moping, we received the lab reports and doctors' recommendations . They still didn't give us many answers. Dr. Pineda and Dr. Silber still are not sure what went wrong. One speculation is that there may be an egg quality issue for me, but they can't be certain.
I've never once felt blame towards anyone about why we are at this point. But now I feel blame, from no one else but myself. And I know it's absurd because it isn't anyone's fault, including mine. But I feel it. I bear that burden of now I'm to blame for why it didn't work. Some people may read this and think how ridiculous I sound. But until you've lived this, you can't possibly understand the weight and guilt I feel. In those few low, bad days I have never felt so out of control of my own life. It wasn't until that phone call that I truly realized I am not in control. I am not the boss. I am not the decider of when/where/how all things happen in my life. Forever I have been told by my parents, teachers, everyone really, that I can do anything I want! I can be what I want to be, live where I want, have the things that I want, IF I work hard enough. That's not true in this situation. It's a hard realization to come to.
Our doctors are now recommending we do mini-IVF. We had just done conventional IVF. Here's the difference.
December 16th we got up at 3:00 am so we could be on the road by 4:00. We arrived at St. Luke's right on time and got settled in quickly. My procedure was scheduled for 9:00, but I didn't end up going in until much later than that. Prior to the retrieval, we spoke with both of our doctors. They said my testing from two days before were perfect, and that they expected a wonderful outcome from the retrieval. Dr. Pineda said he anticipated having enough embryos in the end to even freeze some.
When I woke up after surgery, Bryan was with me. He had already talked to the doctors. He told me that we had gotten four eggs. I was immediately crushed and in tears. The fact that I was still loopy from the anesthesia probably didn't help my inconsolable self. Bryan was so calm, and I'm sure he didn't realize the severity of the news he was given. Up until this point, we had everything working in our favor. But only getting four eggs was a huge game changer. From there, the odds were against us. In every step after retrieval, your numbers go down.
Let's do a hypothetical scenario. Say a couple gets 15 eggs from the egg retrieval. Each one gets injected with sperm, but only then only maybe 10 actually fertilize. From there, maybe only 6 make it to the third day. So that gives the couple 6 embryos to transfer back or to freeze for later use.
So now you think about our situation. Starting with only four eggs, knowing that each step along the way we'll lose some, is terrifying. We went in hoping to be able to transfer two embryos in the end, and not so concerned about even have extras to freeze. So I let go of the idea of two, and just prayed we could get just one!
When my girl Mindy called me on Thursday with fertilization results, I knew it was bad news. First of all, I knew because until this day, I had never actually spoken to Mindy. All of our discussions had been via email. I just knew that she wouldn't deliver bad news on the computer. Sure enough, she told me my worst fear. None of the eggs fertilized. Only two were even mature enough to inject sperm into, and neither of them took. She did say there was a chance they could fertilize the next day, but that was a slim chance. Luckily for me, my students were in P.E. when I took the phone call, and I had already arranged for someone to pick them up and watch them while I went over the results with Mindy. This phone call was most definitely the worst moment of my life. From there I just cried. I just couldn't believe that this was happening. The next day Mindy called to tell me that, as expected, the other two eggs didn't fertilize either. So that was the end. She said both of our doctors are quite puzzled by the whole situation. They can't understand what went wrong, why we didn't get many more eggs as we had all anticipated.
For a couple of days I just cried. I felt lost and numb. So much energy, time, tears, and money went into this IVF round. I was crushed. Bryan was his usual supportive and positive self. Thank goodness for that! After two days of moping, we received the lab reports and doctors' recommendations . They still didn't give us many answers. Dr. Pineda and Dr. Silber still are not sure what went wrong. One speculation is that there may be an egg quality issue for me, but they can't be certain.
I've never once felt blame towards anyone about why we are at this point. But now I feel blame, from no one else but myself. And I know it's absurd because it isn't anyone's fault, including mine. But I feel it. I bear that burden of now I'm to blame for why it didn't work. Some people may read this and think how ridiculous I sound. But until you've lived this, you can't possibly understand the weight and guilt I feel. In those few low, bad days I have never felt so out of control of my own life. It wasn't until that phone call that I truly realized I am not in control. I am not the boss. I am not the decider of when/where/how all things happen in my life. Forever I have been told by my parents, teachers, everyone really, that I can do anything I want! I can be what I want to be, live where I want, have the things that I want, IF I work hard enough. That's not true in this situation. It's a hard realization to come to.
Our doctors are now recommending we do mini-IVF. We had just done conventional IVF. Here's the difference.
- Conventional IVF goal is to harvest LOTS of eggs.
- Mini-IVF goal is to harvest less eggs, but practically perfect QUALITY.
- Conventional requires more medication than mini
- Mini is about two thousand dollars less than conventional (still super expensive!)
We have been given the go-ahead to do this mini-IVF as soon as February. I'm not ready for many of reasons. Mainly, emotionally I'm not ready. I can't imagine going through this heartache again so soon. Physically, I'm not ready. I'm only just now feeling back to normal and not hormone controlled. I still even have a little bruise on my belly! With work, I'm not ready. I coach volleyball and track, both of which are about to begin. It will be way too stressful to teach, coach, be a wife/stepmom, and go through ivf at the same time. IF we do it again, it won't be until the summer. In the meantime, I just want to get back to our lives. I want to have some dates with the hubby, nights of us talking about things that AREN'T ivf related. I want to hang out with my friends and family and have conversations that AREN'T centered around baby business and me feeling sorry for myself. I want to work, enjoy my life, (maybe lose a little weight lol), give this all to God, and just become the BEST me, a me that isn't sad IVF controlled. And maybe while we're busy living life, we will get a good, old-fashioned miracle! :)
Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has been so supportive of us and this journey! We SO appreciate your love, support, and prayers!!!
Monday, December 14, 2015
PUSH the Trigger!
First of all, I'm sorry to have kept everyone in the dark for awhile! We have certainly had busy schedules here! Eric is playing high school basketball and Kailey is cheering for the junior high team. So we are traveling somewhere almost every night to watch a ballgame. On top of that, there's everything that goes along with the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. And of course we go to work... and... OH YEAH, IVF everything!!
All of my injections have been easy peasy! I did one shot each day for awhile, and then moved up to three each day. My poor belly is quite bruised and most definitely bloated! Once the injections started, so did the regular monitoring appointments in St. Louis.
Time out for a little anatomy lesson: If you don't know, follicles are sacs that produce hormones and produce eggs.
In short, the goal of all of the medicines I've been taking is to make a lot of big, strong follicles. So at these appointments they have been looking at my hormone levels and checking my follicle size and count to make sure the medicines are doing their jobs.
Well, they've done just that! Everything is growing very nicely. For those who care to know, as of today they counted 37 follicles (that's a TON). 15 of these are a big enough size, or mature enough, to possibly retrieve. My girl, Mindy, told me that this is great news! So today she told me to take my trigger shot! The trigger, or HCG, shot gets all the eggs ready to be retrieved. (It also does many other things that are very time consuming and confusing to explain lol)
The most amazing thing to me about this medication is the precise timing of this particular injection. Everything will be ready for the egg retrieval exactly 36 hours after this trigger shot is given. So I gave it to myself at 9:15 this evening, which means my egg retrieval is at 9:15 on Wednesday morning. After that we have to wait to hear when the transfer will be, but don't worry I'll let you know when it happens! ;)
As of now, I have no worries about the retrieval day! I feel nothing but pure excitement! On the big day I will be under anesthesia. The procedure takes around 45 minutes, and then I will be in recovery for a couple of hours. But then I'll get to come home later in the day. I welcome and appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers on this special day.
Oh my goodness, I just can't believe it's right around the corner!!! WOOHOO!!!
Coming soon: updates on retrieval and transfer and stories of my adventures to the hospital.
All of my injections have been easy peasy! I did one shot each day for awhile, and then moved up to three each day. My poor belly is quite bruised and most definitely bloated! Once the injections started, so did the regular monitoring appointments in St. Louis.
Time out for a little anatomy lesson: If you don't know, follicles are sacs that produce hormones and produce eggs.
In short, the goal of all of the medicines I've been taking is to make a lot of big, strong follicles. So at these appointments they have been looking at my hormone levels and checking my follicle size and count to make sure the medicines are doing their jobs.
Well, they've done just that! Everything is growing very nicely. For those who care to know, as of today they counted 37 follicles (that's a TON). 15 of these are a big enough size, or mature enough, to possibly retrieve. My girl, Mindy, told me that this is great news! So today she told me to take my trigger shot! The trigger, or HCG, shot gets all the eggs ready to be retrieved. (It also does many other things that are very time consuming and confusing to explain lol)
The most amazing thing to me about this medication is the precise timing of this particular injection. Everything will be ready for the egg retrieval exactly 36 hours after this trigger shot is given. So I gave it to myself at 9:15 this evening, which means my egg retrieval is at 9:15 on Wednesday morning. After that we have to wait to hear when the transfer will be, but don't worry I'll let you know when it happens! ;)
As of now, I have no worries about the retrieval day! I feel nothing but pure excitement! On the big day I will be under anesthesia. The procedure takes around 45 minutes, and then I will be in recovery for a couple of hours. But then I'll get to come home later in the day. I welcome and appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers on this special day.
Oh my goodness, I just can't believe it's right around the corner!!! WOOHOO!!!
Coming soon: updates on retrieval and transfer and stories of my adventures to the hospital.
Thanks again for all your love and support!
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